He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My feet surprised me
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