They should really pass out barf bags in church
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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