someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
