I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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