Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
