Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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