How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
