I hope mine doesn't look like that
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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