you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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