I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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