So drunk its hurt
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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