Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
