I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
