Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
