it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
