I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
