My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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