she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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