I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
