We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
