my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
