I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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