i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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