You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize