So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
