If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
