I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
