i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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