There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
