i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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