Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
