He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize