If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
