She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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