Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
