I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
