I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
