Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We named our party play list daddy issues
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
