anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize