Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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