dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
