Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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