also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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