He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
