he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
