We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
