He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
