I accidentally had phone sex last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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