so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
