I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
