but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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