The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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