you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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