I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
