Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize