so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It was confusing and full of hummus
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
